What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 01.07.2025 00:53
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
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I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
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She found it foreign!.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But it wasn’t much.
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She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
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I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
All the time i was locked up.
Comes on , in middle age.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
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I couldn’t, believe it.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
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Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I was scared of men, in general
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
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.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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I will be 64.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
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Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Im still living with it.
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And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
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On the 31st of Jan this month .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
When she asked me how she looked .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I was 9 years of age.
I never cut or harmed myself..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
So whats the point in blame.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
We were not on the streets..
Was to survive, this bastard.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I was seconnd youngest,
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
It was going to be , some day.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
We all went to grammer schools
I have no regrets .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
(And it was in our own minds.)
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
What did i know ?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He knew the spot.
She married twice! .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But ive been too sick for many years..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I could never make a relationship work though!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My life is so biszare .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
One cannot live in the past .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She wouldn,t have been !
Ive learnt so much.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Who then, do I blame.?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She was in good health!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I think the readers, may guess!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I don,t even have a pension.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Why did i forgive my father ?
I write beautiful poetry .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Would this be the day?
My family never makes their pension either.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She loved him until the end.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
This is soul school!.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Put me off passion for life!!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
As i do to all so called friends.?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I was very sick at this time too.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I said to her
But, we were locked up after school.
So, i spoilt her more .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And i lived it daily.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I waited trembling.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!